I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
