So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
