no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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