marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize