I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
