I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
