It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize