i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
