im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
