she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I'm really busy with my period
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