hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
