I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
