He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
