so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
