i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
