Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
