I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
