She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize