any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
