So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
don't judge my taste in strippers
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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