any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
