I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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