Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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