i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
