I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
