im drinking this country out of the recession.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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