Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
