I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
