I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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