In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
whose parrot is this?
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