put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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