The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize