remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
