a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
