If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
