four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
