i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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