drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize