hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
