Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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