dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
