I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
