you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
