Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
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