So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
