I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
