my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
