I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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