No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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