Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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