I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
