Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
