I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
