this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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