How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
