wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
