My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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