He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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