I look better un-naked...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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