so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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